10:15 p.m. - 2006-10-18
Brought it upon myself
Hey,
Well it has been a long time since I have been on here, and I think I need to get a lot out of my system. I have successfully made Scott hate me, and tried to kid myself it was for my own happiness and his. That we shouldn't go through that hurt again. I'm even trying to say its because I still love him.
Its not.
Its because it torments me so much speaking to him, and I always think he is going to find someone in college. It torments me that he is so far away and yet he is so close. I'm afraid. I'm scared of him getting to close to me again. I do not want to love him and I want nothing from him. Yes there are times I hate him, and all the bad memories come flooding back. But most of the time there is the good, and I have love.
However, this love is for a Scott i once knew, the Scott i know now, is however not the one I used to know. Yes he is the same person is so many respects, but in others he is not. He is not the Scott i fell in love with. He never will be, however my love was changing for him, and starting to love this Scott, even if he was an immature arsehole sometimes. That was what i was afraid of, the arguments, the denial i was putting myself through.
What I want mostly is to live a normal life, be a normal teenager, and that is never going to happen with Scott, I have been deprived of 2 long years of normalness. Due to him being my secret at first, my secret lover, the reason I never had boyfriends, to scared to say I have an internet boyfriend due to what people would think. Maybe if I had told them that it would have been fine. Maybe if I had tried harder to love him it would have been okay. Nothing would have gone wrong. Maybe we spent too much time together this summer gone. Maybe I have now grown out of the whole Internet friendship. I have a life in Grimsby, and he has one in Leuchars. I don't want to feel the pressure of him being there, i felt constantly under surveillance, him asking, wanting, and that is the part i grew to hate, he moulded around me like a badly fitting coat and suffocated me gradually. I had fallen into a life a misery and haunted by past memories. Yet it still drives me crazy, thinking about him, wanting to know about him, thinking and wondering, what will become of my love, Scott Melton…
I miss him, and have done for a long time, I will keep missing him as I curl up with his penguin teddy that still smells of him, and I cry and know that...
I have brought it all upon myself
xx
