9:28 p.m. - 2009-02-22
Urge, Impulse, Desire...
Urge, Impulse, Desire...
What makes us tick? Why do we feel the need to do things? Is it urges, or do we do these things on pure impulse. Such as coming onto this, through a link I still have to someone else’s diary. Its crazy isn't how the mind works. Those urges and the impulse I acted upon have now awoken a desire deep within me. The one for love.
I have had love indeed, my true love, as I once thought. Indeed I do not know this, perhaps one day "my prince charming will come along" and I can still believe in the same old fairy stories that as a child I believed in. I was a child when I fell in love. A young girl of 13... I am now nearing womanhood, if the maturity has not yet struck me already.
I have had many urges and impulses lately. That of checking this loves myspace before Christmas. A thing I did often but had not done for a long while, and yet I missed him, missed it. So I messaged him and sat eagerly waiting for a reply... A reply that was long awaited and then I hoped a conversation would be initiated... I do not understand why I did this but only know the catastrophic consequences of desire. The consequence was once we had spoken once more; it led to in depth conversations and memories flooding back. To msn conversations... To me wanting nothing more but to be able to speak to him sometimes. And yet, I am not in love with him anymore. I am still in love with the memory. But he is 19 and obviously leading the life of a 19 year old... He does not need to be burdened with the love he had. And yet part of me, wants to be selfish... I dream of nothing better sometimes than driving up and being taken in his arms.. Him being the same person that I once loved... And I? Well I want to be the girl he loves. For these msn conversations led to him giving me his number and I felt the impulse to text it... I could not resist.. I think this is because I will always be wondering, what if, what if.... That big question. And this is what scares me... What if I act on impulse... Try and feed my desire? What happens then?
Does he even feel the same and does he seriously want to go down that route? He shows nothing of it. I have expressed my feelings in a very drunken text.. I knew what I wanted then.. And he also said that he was depressed and was thinking of it. He doesn't know how he feels.
Depressed. That word beats me down. He has to be miserable to think of me... Why is that? Because it was such miserable time when we spoke? No, some of it was so good. It could have been amazing if only neither of us had been wrapped up in childishness. And indeed we were. It was the good old days. And we both had fuck ups...
I just looked at his facebook... I again; could not resist... After adding me on msn and us talking really well.. He has once again disappeared. Now this could be because he has moved on completely. I had but there is always something in my heart yearning for the good old days. And even though I know what a mess we made of things part of me would do nothing else that go and repeat that mess, if I could change it then that would be fantastic. If not.. Well I would still love to do it and be a part of it... How could I not? So upon checking this I see messages with love upon them and I cannot help the jealousy.. Who is this person? And the love things are so pointless but yet it still hurts to think that I have truly lost him...
I don't know what to do, what to think, what to feel...
I’m falling into memories of you... And things we used to do....
What do I think or feel? Should we just not speak?
And I know that you won't even read this unless I feel that urge and desire to speak about it...
Part of me thinks you don't want to know though....
Wish I could just switch it off like that....
xxxxx
